The Discrete Gentleman's Guide to Being a Weirdo

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Arising from the ashes of inactivity like the mythical phoenix; Hark! The profile of Figure 1 over the horizon! Returning from two weeks of reunion with acquaintances of olde, your author has found that quite a few of them read this humble offering. "Humble" of course being within the previous comparison to the glorious re-birth of sacred animal from an egg of myrrh in the city of Heliopolis. You know, "humble".

The first of the two offerings herein in a "Portable sanitary garment". It is a jacket or "cloak-like garment" that has fake sleeves and at least one fake hand to allow the person to have a hand inside the jacket while looking like their hands are outside. There is a pocket on the inside that holds a "closeable container" (number 14 in the image to the right, click for larger).

Now the natural question at this point is "Why would someone want to do that?" As the first of the highlighted section below says, "the invention is suitable for men who experience difficulty in bladder control, or who frequently travel in busy areas that lack "comfort" facilities, and especially for older men who have medical problems or who are taking medications such as diuretics". The internal pocket holds the container is for "collecting urine and holding it without the possibility of spillage for later disposal in a proper manner."

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This allows a man "when the need for relief arises, and no public toilet...is available, he can proceed to an inconspicuous place, don [the garment], and relieve himself in private without becoming a public nuisance."
 
This is another situation where I don't want to impugn the inventor, but I can't help but think that, practically speaking, he's created more of a "masturbate in public" jacket than a "I have to pee" jacket. ALERT! ALERT! Terrible Freudian slip has been committed!

Applicants also have a "duty to disclose" known pertinent prior art. (what is "prior art"?). Unsurprisingly there is not much directly applicable to this, but he does relate an interesting fact from the New York Times that I wasn't aware of, along with a direct response as to the difference from his invention:

"[NYT, Nov. 5, 1990:] 'By the 18th century, some European cities were reduced to reliance on street vendors who offered the use of buckets and privacy of a voluminous cloak"... Applicant does not believe that the use of a bucket and voluminous cloak is pertinent prior art so far as his invention is concerned."

I can hear the pitch now. "One shilling and you can shit in my bucket while I envelope you with my cloak. Discretion is our business ma'am."

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 It also raises the question as to how practical it would be to carry this around with you about your daily activities. It has at least one artificial hand which necessarily requires that you lose the use of your left hand. Better hope you never have to open a door or shake someone's hand while you are using your other hand. How does one politely explain that you can't make use of your other hand because it is currently holding your penis?

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Number two is "User-operated amusement apparatus for kicking the user's buttocks". Anyone with a rudimentary understanding of the classical simple machines will understand how it works. The user has a lever that rotates a shaft shaft attached to another set of pulleys to rotate. This turns a wheel with shoes attached to it.

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As noted in the highlighted section to the left, the problem with prior art spanking devices is that they "must be reloaded or resent after each individual spanking action." Don't I know it!?

He also notes that another benefit of this "amusement apparatus for self- inflicting repetitive blows to a user and which is foldable into a self-containing package for storage or shipping." One does not want their crank operated self- spanking apparatus sitting out for others to see. To paraphrase Shakespeare, discretion is the better part of the fetish.

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And in a twist that will only surprise the layman, "One skilled in the art will recognize that a visual display in the form of a LCD display can connect to the drive train and can provide the rotational speed of rotating arms that strike the user's buttocks, and/or a display of the number of paddles or shoes contacting the user's buttocks per unit of time." And finally it can be done "with no significant delays in transmission of rotational movement provided by the user [or] resetting the apparatus or repositioning the user." It also allows "one user to operate the crank while a second person positions himself to receive a paddling of his buttocks for entertainment of observes." It's a party!

A review of the state of the art in bra technology

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Are you an entrepreneur in the women's clothing industry searching for your next investment? Are you a winner of Project Runway and looking for the next "hot thing"? Or are you just a 14 year-old boy looking for the worst masturbation material possible? Then you've come to the right place my friend!

It is with great pleasure that Fig. 1 presents to you three ground breaking innovations in bra technology. It was the American Spirit that beat the Nazis and Japanese (us, and no one else, of course) won the space race (after losing badly for almost a decade) and created the Internet (on the back of government funded research and infrastructure). This Spirit is still alive and has been dutifully redirected, in part at least, towards the most worthy of goals. First up: "Brassier having integrated inflatable bladders for the holding of comestible liquids", invented by Tracy Shailer. As subtle as that title is, the assignee (who the patent is owned by) cuts right through the legalese: BoobieFlask, Inc.

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I'd post more of the drawings, but the one on the cover above is more than sufficient to get the point across: It's a bra with a container within one or both cups and a straw. You can see all the drawings by clicking the link above. I also give them credit for skipping the BS in the "Background of the Invention" section, highlighted to the left. To paraphrase: "Sometimes it's inappropriate to be seen drinking heavily, but sometimes you want to drink heavily. We have a solution for that!" But I hear you asking: "My wife only drinks white wine and I need at least a quarter liter of hard liquor to get going. What about me?!" Well do not worry sir, because each cup can hold a different liquid. Just don't let stadium security see you sucking on a straw popping out of your wife's shirt.

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If you're a man like me, I'm sure you've asked yourself the following question at least once: "I just don't find cleavage that appealing anymore. It doesn't catch my eye like it used to. Is there any way we can add some 21st century flair to spice up that old, boring 20th century cleavage?" Well it's a huge coincidence that you're asking that right now, because in fact there is! How about a set of miniature strobe lights to point your eyes right where they should be? I can see your heads nodding vigorously in the affirmative from here! Enter the "Fashion Illumination System".

As always, the abstract tells the story: "Concealed light sources proximate to a low-cut neckline of a female's garment, such as brassier, shirt or item of lingerie, with the light sources being oriented so as to direct illumination across the wear's chest area in an alluring way, potentially offering multiple color, intensity, direction/control options as well as multiple deployment techniques/devices."

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  To be fair to the inventor, it appears to this is more intended for runway shows and such. And as has been well documented, the rules are somewhat different in such a venue. But the collection of drawings are on par with anything as of yet seen on this fair blog. As can be seen to the left, the lights are easily added to any number of different garments. More can been seen in the full patent, linked above.

The lights are LEDs which is probably a good thing: they are small and very energy efficient. That means they don't need a large battery pack and also don't get very warm. Personally, I wouldn't want a bunch of halogen bulbs slowly heating up my panties either (hypothetically speaking, of course).

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Finally, there's my personal favorite in the bra category. And it's my favorite, not because it's super silly or total nonsense, but because it's actually not a bad idea at the core. Maybe a little absurd, but that doesn't mean it's stupid. Quite the opposite. I'd characterize it as an absurdly elegant solution to a real problem. Like the others, it is pretty straightforward: "Garment device convertible to one or more facemasks". In other words, it is a bra that breaks apart into two emergency facemasks. To quote Tobias Fünke: "I don't want to blame it all on 9/11, but it certainly didn't help." The inventors are the winner of the 2009 Ig Noble award for Improbable Research. And they don't just give those awards out. 2010's winner in engineering was a method of collecting whale snot with a remote control helicopter.  Winners of the Ig Noble are often linked to patents as well. Other examples include this method for finding the optimal airborne wasabi concentration to wake a sleeping person in an emergency.

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Like the other entries this time, the cover image of the bra/facemask conveys the best sense of what the invention is. The highlighted text to the left gives a concise break-down. And if you didn't pick up on it earlier, the bra converts into two facemasks; one for you and one for you husband. Got a kid? Too bad. Don't have a second person to aid? Just offer a passing stranger the gift of life along with a free sweet, sweet huff of what your breasts smell like (one of them at least).

God bless America!

Three Modest Proposals for the Health & Saftey of Your Child

Once, about a year ago, I was walking home from work and saw a mother with an infant in a carrier on her back and a toddler leashed to her hand. The toddler was sitting down and yelling "NO NO NO NO" as loud as he could and the poor mother was trying to get him to stand back up and keep walking. As I was silently sympathizing with her, the infant on her back starting crying & screaming and began to repeatedly hit her on the back of the head. The most depressing part was that the woman didn't even look like she noticed the 20 pound monster on her back that was savaging her head and eardrums. My heart went out to her and when I got home, I kissed my girlfriend and thanked her for not wanting kids.

It solidly reinforced my opinion that children are non-stop problem creating human larva whose sole purpose is to drain your bank account, ruin your sleep, projectile vomit on you, and poop. Always with the poop. Again, not that I'm a father myself. But should the day ever come where I am put in charge of my own little dirt child, the US patent database has a wealth of great parenting ideas. I humbly present the following three. And if you got the Jonathan Swift allusion in the title, good work.

 

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So you're the parent of a young larval human who has just learned to walk, and that might be a problem. You are a busy adult human with real adult human things to do. Maybe you live on the top floor of an asbestos factory and all the stairwells are unlocked for easy infant access. Maybe you rent a Dickensian tenement and the four other families you share it with have vowed to eat your child if they stray into their side of the room again. Or maybe the shirtless poolboy just arrived and you just mixed up a bunch of daiquiris to ply him with.

What ever your situation, the Infant Restraining Device, US 2,650,590 to Leroy and Dorthy Moore has the solution. The Moores feel your pain and have devised a way to keep that damn troublemaker in his crib/pen/cage. Now to be fair to them, it is not as terrible as the name suggests. It is two buttoned ankle bracelets linked by an elastic strap. It is intended to allow the child to walk normally, but not allow them to throw one leg over the side of the crib for escape. Why haven't you seen these for sale at Babies 'R' Us? The only reasonable explanation is that the diabolical fiends in the crib industry have intimidated the Moore family into submission rather than fix their defective and dangerous crib designs.

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So that brings us to entry number two: US 1,448,235 to Emma Read, entitled Portable Baby Cage. This clearly follows in the grand tradition of Jonathan Swift as well as the Dickensian theme of the Infant Restraining Device. Issued in 1922, it addresses the problem that "babies and young children, who at the present are being raised in large apartments, are not going outdoors for their proper fresh air and exercise."

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Emma goes on: "With these facts in view it is the purpose of the present invention...to be suspended upon the exterior of a building adjacent an open window, wherein the baby or young child may be placed."

In other words, this is a tin roofed, chicken wire walled cage that is cantilevered outside your window like an air conditioner for your baby to sit in. I won't go into an analysis of the support structure for holding it in place, mainly because I don't think it is necessary. This is clearly an incredible idea that has been systematically suppressed by the special interest groups of Big Infant.

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Finally, there is this. The Holy Grail of patents. A crown jewel of such staggering genius that it will likely never be equaled. US 3,216,423 to George and Charlotte Blonsky, entitled Apparatus For Facilitating The Birth Of A Child By Centrifugal Force. Anyone with a passing understanding of physics should be able to grasp this one. A rotating bed is placed within a ring with the woman's head at the center. The bed has hand grips, a chest restraint, stirrups, and a net between the woman's legs. You can see the net (element number 97) best in the figure to the right.

The two balls with the bars between them that pass over the woman's face in fig. 1 to the right isn't a mask or something. It is a centrifugal governor that smooths and controls the rotation of the device via centrifugal deflection. That means it is steam powered! Fig. 2 to the left shows that they are actually quite a ways above the woman's face. Fig. 2 also shows the wonderful steampunk chains and pulleys underneath the table. Fig. 3 below shows the governor deflecting due to rotation as well as a simply scandelous shot of the fetus-catching net.

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 The operation is pretty simple: The woman is placed so that her womb is radially offset from the center of rotation. So when the table is turned, outwardly directed force is generated on the fetus. Think of it like giving birth by doing an upright bungee jump (I should file an application for that!). The enclosed text to the left reads: "The bottom or closed end of the net is lined with a thick wad of cotton. When the fetus leaves the mother's vagina and lands on the cotton bed in the net, its weight, as a result of the rotation of the machine, exerts a radial centrifugal force of the bottom of the elastic net." This automatically stops the rotation.

It goes on: "A suitable hand brake is provided adjacent to the controller to enable the operator to stop quickly the inertial rotation of the machine after the current is switch off either by the new born child, or by the operator on instruction from the gynecologist in charge of the operation, or by suitable automatic means which come into operation when the rate of revolution of the machine, either through mistake or malfunction, exceeds the amount considered safe for the particular patient thereon."

Finally, there is a table that correlates the RPM of the machine to the  acceleration applied to the fetus. The acceleration is measured in both ft/sec^2 as well as G-force. The middle RPM range is 1.04 revolutions per second, or 4 G's of force. The space shuttle undergoes 3 G's during both launch and re-entry, for comparison. An F-1 car tops out at 5-6 G's. WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG?!

Crazy Oddball Impossible Application round-up

Since November of 2000, all applications for patents are published after 18 months by default. As an Applicant, you can choose to forgo that for various reasons by sacrificing some other options down the line. But none of that is important right now because easily 75% of applications are published, probably quite a bit more. But as a consequence, applications which will likely never be granted a patent (and thus never be made public) are now published. And if you have a certain amount of money, you can file an application with the US Patent and Trademark Office, and they will examine it. Thems the rules.

Now there are real names attached to these and it's not my intent to slander or unfairly represent anything they applied for. Mainly because I don't think I need to; they speak for themselves. There's also a bunch of them so there's no way to do each justice. They are all really good though. If you're actually interested in one, you can use the links to Google Patents (Our Most Beneficent Overlord, peace upon Them).

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Number 1: "Magnetic Vortex Wormhole Generator" to John Quincy St.Clair of the Hyperspace Research Institute in San Juan Puerto Rico. Read that last sentence again, out loud. From the drawings, the invention seems like two big solenoid coils with a steel triangle between them.

"This energy finds many application in new types of power supplies, inertia-less and mass-less spacecraft, vehicles that can travel light-years by moving out of dimension through hyperspace, surgery-less medical tables, cranes for lifting heavy objects, cold-welded crystals for crystal rotors, folding space waveguides, and electromagnetic field propulsion vehicles using highly relativistic fields."

Those are all good things! Our troubles are over!

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Number 2: "Universal Epistemological Machine (A.K.A. Android)" to William Datig. It seems like it's supposed to be a "universal machine translator" like in Star Trek or something, but with the (A.K.A. Android) actually in the title, I'm not sure.

It has a lot of really bizarre flow charts though. The one on the cover is roughly "General forms of human beings" to "The Human Experience" to "U.G. Structure of Universal Epistemological Machine" with the tag of "Specification of the UM in existential form of enablement default and existential modes". This then evolves somehow into [Economy] [E=mc*2] and [y=f(x)]. And that is literally the first page alone.

There are over 200 following flow charts. Pages and pages filled with phrases like "RG Continuum" and "Non-Real Form" and "Future Art" and "Connectedness by DSXS of CTS" and "Phenomenology of Correspondence (H Determination)" and, really appropriately, "Endless Word Stream." And those are just the drawings. There are still 200 pages of text following.

While the examples are technically endless, every one of its 400 pages is filled with it. It's astonishing. Here's the link again if you don't believe me.

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Number 3: "Method of Recording and Saving of Human Soul for Human Immortality and Installation For It" to Alexander Alexandrovich Bolonkin. Following up a 400 page behemoth, this underdog weighs in at only 10. As an examiner, I personally respect brevity. *insert Big Lebowsky quote here*

This one does appear to be from a non-native English speaker, and that shouldn't be held against him. It would also be hilarious if was a native speaker, because he's from Brooklyn. But his intent and descriptions are clear. From paragraphs 37-38:

"To support the brain and body, humans spend about 99% of their time and energy, and eventually what knowledge is gained is taken to the grave in death. There is only one solution to this problem - re-write all of the brain information (our soul) in more strongly based storage." He then launches into how he knows this much storage isn't possible yet but then somehow gets past that and goes into this:

"It would be easy to attached a video recorder and microphone to a man's forehead and then attach sensors to the body and record all that he sees, hears, speaks, his feelings, reactions, and activity. And then re-write this information into a personal hard drive... at the end of each day." And because what we do and say makes us who we are, recording that is "backing-up" our souls. Moving on.

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Number 4: "Multi-Chambered Personal Survival Device and an Orally Inflated, Flush Mounted, Hybrid Bladder" to William Courtney. I don't even know where to start with this one. At least conceptually I think I understood what the other ones were for. Maybe not #2, I guess. But this...

It looks like some rubber and neoprene monstrosity to keep you alive out at sea for... well, forever I guess. I don't know. He's got a bunch of bags hooked up to his mouth and ears (I think that's what I'm seeing) and seems like he's encased in a Michelin Man consume. And no, I don't know what the cylindrical container under the series of what I'll call "face bags" is supposed to do. The phrase "hybrid bladder" in the title makes me a little worried though. SUPER!

And last but certainly not least (and I mean that this time), number 5: "Godly Powers" to Christopher Roller. No figures needed for this one! The entire abstract follows (the italics are mine). If you've actually read this far, don't stop now.

'Christopher Anthony Roller is a godly entity. "Granters" had been given my powers (acquired my powers) (via God probably). These "granters" have been receiving financial gain from godly powers. These "granters" may be using their powers without morals. Chris Roller wants exclusive right to the ethical use and financial gain in the use of godly powers on planet Earth. The design of godly-products have no constraints, just like any other invention, but the ethic consideration of it's use will likely be based on a majority vote of a group, similar to law creation. The commission I require could range from 0-100% of product price, depending on the product's value and use.'

And this goes into some weird thing about magicians and illusions that doesn't make any sense. Also, he apparently has a lawsuit against David Copperfield. The whole thing is only 2 pages. Here's the rest. I wish I could see the written history of this particular application because I'm sure Mr. Roller had some interesting things to say in response to the examiner's initial rejection.

**SUPER IMPORTANT INTERNET UPDATE** Chris Roller has some youtube videos! Here's an interview of him by some random goofball. And here's one from some celebrity tabloid show about his lawsuit against Copperfield. His website is mytrumanshow.com in which he explains that he is, actually, the "Truman" which The Truman Show (yes, the Jim Carrey movie) is based off.

The well of material is deep but the time is short. Thanks for reading if you actually read this far.

Refridgerated Clothing (need more be said?)

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So, the last entry I wrote up won my office's "WTF Patent of the month" contest. It would be more correctly call "WTF Patent of the tri-month" considering how often it usually happens. Much like this blog shouldn't be called "Updated Weekly". But amongst other entries, it won against this, US 2,731,808, entitled "Refrigerated Clothing" and that is stiff competition. Prize for winning was a Starbucks gift card so you can imagine it was one of the greatest days of my life. And to think my mom said "Don't get into engineering. It'll never pay."

More to the point is this suit of armor to the right. It's basically a heat exchanger powered by dry ice strapped on the back of a heavy jacket. The fabric is layered to conduct sublimating CO2 from dry ice down along the body (because cold air sinks). From here, it either falls out the bottom (shown to the right) or will be sufficiently warmed that it will naturally rise back out the outer layer (shown in the image below). Personally I have doubts that it would be warm enough to circulate by natural convection like that, but that's hardly the most important part.

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That part involves the helmet you can have (shown left) and if you click to enlarge the image it will open in the same window because I can't figure out how to make it open up in a new one thank you very much Google "Blogger" agh! Does anyone reading this happen to know?

...sorry about that. Where was I? You can add a helmet that needs a pressure relief valve on the top of it. The valve makes sense if you understand what dry ice does in a closed container and room temperature. But the consequences are so ridiculous that I can hardly believe it. He is suggesting that we strap on a jacket with multiple layers of heavy & stiff insulation, a backpack full of dry ice, and a helmet that every few minutes pops up to release a burst of fog. And it would probably be a decent cloud of fog. It sounds like something out of a Terry Gilliam movie, like Brazil or Time Bandits. Actually now that I think about it, it's more 12 Monkeys than anything.

 

But here's the most important thing: Enclosing someone's face, or even flowing modest amounts of CO2 past their face for an extended period of time is really obviously a bad idea. Like "it will kill you" level of bad ideas. Add a heavy pack to the strain of getting enough oxygen and you're setting yourself up for a party. That's of course assuming the backpack doesn't explode, or at least spring a violent leak if the pressure relief valve fails.

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There are some descriptions of the helmet and relief valve to the left along with a description of the drip pipe for condensation. I actually think I laughed out loud (or "lol'ed" for you hip kids out there in Internetland) when I read that.

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To the right is a description of the "apparatus" which is an exceedingly common word in patents. But it never seemed quite as appropriate as it does for this.

Simply hilarious.

Move along folks. Nothing to see here.

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I have a saying that inevitably comes up when I talk about patents for long enough: When the government is deciding whether to grant a patent, "Is this a good idea?" is not a check box that has to be filled in yes/no. It's just not a requirement. And this is an amazing example of that from 1882. Props go out to Melissa for showing it to me. GOOD WORK! Reason for Awesomeness 1: The date, Dec 26th, 1882. The day after Christmas. 1882 was also the year Jesse James was shot, for perspective.

  

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Reason for Awesomeness 2: Why did he chose a tiny, cute field mouse for the animal to kill? Why not a big rat or a raccoon? The inventor, James Williams, is from Fredonia, Texas. And I have to imagine that Texas had better stuff to shoot at in 1882. It really does put the meaning in the word "overkill."

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Reason for Awesomeness 3: "This invention may also be used in connection with a door or window, so as to kill any person or thing opening the door or window to which it is attached." (highlighted right). Again, 1882 was the year Jesse James was shot. My mind is blown like a guy who got drunk and forgot he set one of these bad boys up in his barn.

Before there was Tiger Blood, there was only Tiger Balm

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Per standard Patent Office practice, I present Charlie Sheen's patent: Chapstick Dispensing Apparatus. I say "per standard practice" because, like the USPTO, I'm getting around to this long after everyone else stopped caring about it. For the Office that usually means two years late, but with Charlie Sheen a few weeks appear to have been enough. That's more than enough time for him to get boo'ed off the stage in Detroit and all of his (un-paid) friends to abandon him to the wolves. And in case you didn't know, Sheen's real name is Carlos Irwin Estevez, as evidenced by this patent.

Honestly there's not too much to say about this beyond the fact that Sheen has a patent. It's not as awesome as van Halen's but the subject is much more odd. I guess we know what he talks about when he's finally crashed after a 72 hour drug induced sex-fest with whoever he's paying to tag along with him this month. "Hey baby. I know you're tired and probably worried about getting a UTI but I've got this idea for a rad chapstick holding devices for next time we're in the Bahamas." Don't get me wrong: I'm not judging him for those 72 hour drug induced sex-fests. If anything my sarcasm hides a little jealousy. My bet is most guys won't deny it if they're honest. In any case, it's just a chapstick container that has an attached cap, "tactile protrusions" (element number 130) on the side so it is easier to grip, and a place to attach a lanyard. I guess doing coke by ounce makes it tough to hold onto your lip balm after a while.

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The cap has a "finger-engaging cradle 102 [attached to] the top cap 100 by a living hinge." By the way, a "living hinge" is a real thing. It's a hinge formed from an integral thin band of material bridging between two thicker materials as opposed to two separate elements joined by a pin, like a door hing.

The patent also goes to great lengths to describe the problems with prior lip balms as highlighted to the right. It's worth reading.

On a more procedural note, work has been kicking my ass recently, and these posts take more time to write up than I'd originally thought. So I apologize about the slow pace of updates. And in the event you did get the "tiger balm" reference in the title and still read this far, I commend you and suggest you watch this.