The Discrete Gentleman's Guide to Being a Weirdo

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Arising from the ashes of inactivity like the mythical phoenix; Hark! The profile of Figure 1 over the horizon! Returning from two weeks of reunion with acquaintances of olde, your author has found that quite a few of them read this humble offering. "Humble" of course being within the previous comparison to the glorious re-birth of sacred animal from an egg of myrrh in the city of Heliopolis. You know, "humble".

The first of the two offerings herein in a "Portable sanitary garment". It is a jacket or "cloak-like garment" that has fake sleeves and at least one fake hand to allow the person to have a hand inside the jacket while looking like their hands are outside. There is a pocket on the inside that holds a "closeable container" (number 14 in the image to the right, click for larger).

Now the natural question at this point is "Why would someone want to do that?" As the first of the highlighted section below says, "the invention is suitable for men who experience difficulty in bladder control, or who frequently travel in busy areas that lack "comfort" facilities, and especially for older men who have medical problems or who are taking medications such as diuretics". The internal pocket holds the container is for "collecting urine and holding it without the possibility of spillage for later disposal in a proper manner."

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This allows a man "when the need for relief arises, and no public toilet...is available, he can proceed to an inconspicuous place, don [the garment], and relieve himself in private without becoming a public nuisance."
 
This is another situation where I don't want to impugn the inventor, but I can't help but think that, practically speaking, he's created more of a "masturbate in public" jacket than a "I have to pee" jacket. ALERT! ALERT! Terrible Freudian slip has been committed!

Applicants also have a "duty to disclose" known pertinent prior art. (what is "prior art"?). Unsurprisingly there is not much directly applicable to this, but he does relate an interesting fact from the New York Times that I wasn't aware of, along with a direct response as to the difference from his invention:

"[NYT, Nov. 5, 1990:] 'By the 18th century, some European cities were reduced to reliance on street vendors who offered the use of buckets and privacy of a voluminous cloak"... Applicant does not believe that the use of a bucket and voluminous cloak is pertinent prior art so far as his invention is concerned."

I can hear the pitch now. "One shilling and you can shit in my bucket while I envelope you with my cloak. Discretion is our business ma'am."

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 It also raises the question as to how practical it would be to carry this around with you about your daily activities. It has at least one artificial hand which necessarily requires that you lose the use of your left hand. Better hope you never have to open a door or shake someone's hand while you are using your other hand. How does one politely explain that you can't make use of your other hand because it is currently holding your penis?

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Number two is "User-operated amusement apparatus for kicking the user's buttocks". Anyone with a rudimentary understanding of the classical simple machines will understand how it works. The user has a lever that rotates a shaft shaft attached to another set of pulleys to rotate. This turns a wheel with shoes attached to it.

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As noted in the highlighted section to the left, the problem with prior art spanking devices is that they "must be reloaded or resent after each individual spanking action." Don't I know it!?

He also notes that another benefit of this "amusement apparatus for self- inflicting repetitive blows to a user and which is foldable into a self-containing package for storage or shipping." One does not want their crank operated self- spanking apparatus sitting out for others to see. To paraphrase Shakespeare, discretion is the better part of the fetish.

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And in a twist that will only surprise the layman, "One skilled in the art will recognize that a visual display in the form of a LCD display can connect to the drive train and can provide the rotational speed of rotating arms that strike the user's buttocks, and/or a display of the number of paddles or shoes contacting the user's buttocks per unit of time." And finally it can be done "with no significant delays in transmission of rotational movement provided by the user [or] resetting the apparatus or repositioning the user." It also allows "one user to operate the crank while a second person positions himself to receive a paddling of his buttocks for entertainment of observes." It's a party!

A review of the state of the art in bra technology

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Are you an entrepreneur in the women's clothing industry searching for your next investment? Are you a winner of Project Runway and looking for the next "hot thing"? Or are you just a 14 year-old boy looking for the worst masturbation material possible? Then you've come to the right place my friend!

It is with great pleasure that Fig. 1 presents to you three ground breaking innovations in bra technology. It was the American Spirit that beat the Nazis and Japanese (us, and no one else, of course) won the space race (after losing badly for almost a decade) and created the Internet (on the back of government funded research and infrastructure). This Spirit is still alive and has been dutifully redirected, in part at least, towards the most worthy of goals. First up: "Brassier having integrated inflatable bladders for the holding of comestible liquids", invented by Tracy Shailer. As subtle as that title is, the assignee (who the patent is owned by) cuts right through the legalese: BoobieFlask, Inc.

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I'd post more of the drawings, but the one on the cover above is more than sufficient to get the point across: It's a bra with a container within one or both cups and a straw. You can see all the drawings by clicking the link above. I also give them credit for skipping the BS in the "Background of the Invention" section, highlighted to the left. To paraphrase: "Sometimes it's inappropriate to be seen drinking heavily, but sometimes you want to drink heavily. We have a solution for that!" But I hear you asking: "My wife only drinks white wine and I need at least a quarter liter of hard liquor to get going. What about me?!" Well do not worry sir, because each cup can hold a different liquid. Just don't let stadium security see you sucking on a straw popping out of your wife's shirt.

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If you're a man like me, I'm sure you've asked yourself the following question at least once: "I just don't find cleavage that appealing anymore. It doesn't catch my eye like it used to. Is there any way we can add some 21st century flair to spice up that old, boring 20th century cleavage?" Well it's a huge coincidence that you're asking that right now, because in fact there is! How about a set of miniature strobe lights to point your eyes right where they should be? I can see your heads nodding vigorously in the affirmative from here! Enter the "Fashion Illumination System".

As always, the abstract tells the story: "Concealed light sources proximate to a low-cut neckline of a female's garment, such as brassier, shirt or item of lingerie, with the light sources being oriented so as to direct illumination across the wear's chest area in an alluring way, potentially offering multiple color, intensity, direction/control options as well as multiple deployment techniques/devices."

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  To be fair to the inventor, it appears to this is more intended for runway shows and such. And as has been well documented, the rules are somewhat different in such a venue. But the collection of drawings are on par with anything as of yet seen on this fair blog. As can be seen to the left, the lights are easily added to any number of different garments. More can been seen in the full patent, linked above.

The lights are LEDs which is probably a good thing: they are small and very energy efficient. That means they don't need a large battery pack and also don't get very warm. Personally, I wouldn't want a bunch of halogen bulbs slowly heating up my panties either (hypothetically speaking, of course).

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Finally, there's my personal favorite in the bra category. And it's my favorite, not because it's super silly or total nonsense, but because it's actually not a bad idea at the core. Maybe a little absurd, but that doesn't mean it's stupid. Quite the opposite. I'd characterize it as an absurdly elegant solution to a real problem. Like the others, it is pretty straightforward: "Garment device convertible to one or more facemasks". In other words, it is a bra that breaks apart into two emergency facemasks. To quote Tobias Fünke: "I don't want to blame it all on 9/11, but it certainly didn't help." The inventors are the winner of the 2009 Ig Noble award for Improbable Research. And they don't just give those awards out. 2010's winner in engineering was a method of collecting whale snot with a remote control helicopter.  Winners of the Ig Noble are often linked to patents as well. Other examples include this method for finding the optimal airborne wasabi concentration to wake a sleeping person in an emergency.

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Like the other entries this time, the cover image of the bra/facemask conveys the best sense of what the invention is. The highlighted text to the left gives a concise break-down. And if you didn't pick up on it earlier, the bra converts into two facemasks; one for you and one for you husband. Got a kid? Too bad. Don't have a second person to aid? Just offer a passing stranger the gift of life along with a free sweet, sweet huff of what your breasts smell like (one of them at least).

God bless America!