The Discrete Gentleman's Guide to Being a Weirdo

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Arising from the ashes of inactivity like the mythical phoenix; Hark! The profile of Figure 1 over the horizon! Returning from two weeks of reunion with acquaintances of olde, your author has found that quite a few of them read this humble offering. "Humble" of course being within the previous comparison to the glorious re-birth of sacred animal from an egg of myrrh in the city of Heliopolis. You know, "humble".

The first of the two offerings herein in a "Portable sanitary garment". It is a jacket or "cloak-like garment" that has fake sleeves and at least one fake hand to allow the person to have a hand inside the jacket while looking like their hands are outside. There is a pocket on the inside that holds a "closeable container" (number 14 in the image to the right, click for larger).

Now the natural question at this point is "Why would someone want to do that?" As the first of the highlighted section below says, "the invention is suitable for men who experience difficulty in bladder control, or who frequently travel in busy areas that lack "comfort" facilities, and especially for older men who have medical problems or who are taking medications such as diuretics". The internal pocket holds the container is for "collecting urine and holding it without the possibility of spillage for later disposal in a proper manner."

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This allows a man "when the need for relief arises, and no public toilet...is available, he can proceed to an inconspicuous place, don [the garment], and relieve himself in private without becoming a public nuisance."
 
This is another situation where I don't want to impugn the inventor, but I can't help but think that, practically speaking, he's created more of a "masturbate in public" jacket than a "I have to pee" jacket. ALERT! ALERT! Terrible Freudian slip has been committed!

Applicants also have a "duty to disclose" known pertinent prior art. (what is "prior art"?). Unsurprisingly there is not much directly applicable to this, but he does relate an interesting fact from the New York Times that I wasn't aware of, along with a direct response as to the difference from his invention:

"[NYT, Nov. 5, 1990:] 'By the 18th century, some European cities were reduced to reliance on street vendors who offered the use of buckets and privacy of a voluminous cloak"... Applicant does not believe that the use of a bucket and voluminous cloak is pertinent prior art so far as his invention is concerned."

I can hear the pitch now. "One shilling and you can shit in my bucket while I envelope you with my cloak. Discretion is our business ma'am."

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 It also raises the question as to how practical it would be to carry this around with you about your daily activities. It has at least one artificial hand which necessarily requires that you lose the use of your left hand. Better hope you never have to open a door or shake someone's hand while you are using your other hand. How does one politely explain that you can't make use of your other hand because it is currently holding your penis?

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Number two is "User-operated amusement apparatus for kicking the user's buttocks". Anyone with a rudimentary understanding of the classical simple machines will understand how it works. The user has a lever that rotates a shaft shaft attached to another set of pulleys to rotate. This turns a wheel with shoes attached to it.

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As noted in the highlighted section to the left, the problem with prior art spanking devices is that they "must be reloaded or resent after each individual spanking action." Don't I know it!?

He also notes that another benefit of this "amusement apparatus for self- inflicting repetitive blows to a user and which is foldable into a self-containing package for storage or shipping." One does not want their crank operated self- spanking apparatus sitting out for others to see. To paraphrase Shakespeare, discretion is the better part of the fetish.

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And in a twist that will only surprise the layman, "One skilled in the art will recognize that a visual display in the form of a LCD display can connect to the drive train and can provide the rotational speed of rotating arms that strike the user's buttocks, and/or a display of the number of paddles or shoes contacting the user's buttocks per unit of time." And finally it can be done "with no significant delays in transmission of rotational movement provided by the user [or] resetting the apparatus or repositioning the user." It also allows "one user to operate the crank while a second person positions himself to receive a paddling of his buttocks for entertainment of observes." It's a party!